Outlaw

 

    So quite a lot has happened since I last posted. My son is now 7, there was that whole pesky pandemic, Taylor Swift has basically taken over Earth and words like skibbidi toilet, rizz, cap, sus and simp have entered into the common vernacular. And thanks to the aforementioned 7 year old, I sadly understand all of those but to be fair, saying someone is "Ohio bruh" has been fightin' words since the 70's.

Enough of the intro commentary as I'm sure you all get enough of that sort of thing whenever you're looking up how to do something on Youtube. Today's entry comes to us from Colorado. I bought it when I was in Charlotte during my yearly hangout with my high school friends, the cWo. We took a break from our Illuminati like activities of running the world by collapsing banks via encouraging people to buy Bored Ape NFTs, programming AI to take over creating all of our art and thinning the population by encouraging stupid Youtube pranks to pound a bunch of beers. This one caught my eye when we were in Harris Teeter as it was only about $17 for a 30 pack which is genuinely cheap these days. The price was right so I snatched up two 30s.

It's a fairly light colored beer when poured out. Doesn't really have much of a smell which isn't a bad thing. It clocks in at 4.2% ABV which is pretty standard for a light beer. I'd say pretty standard sums up this beer overall. It's very drinkable and has somewhat of a nutty flavor (that could also be because it's been in my fridge for about a month). Slight aftertaste but nothing that would put you off. Overall, Outlaw is a good option if you're looking for something cheap that you can drink on for a few hours while you watch a football game, mow the lawn or whatever. I'll give Outlaw a solid 3.5 Al Bundys.

Onto can attractiveness. Outlaw has a pretty good aethestic. I like how the can has what looks like a relief map of Colorado. The blue and gold color scheme is pretty sharp and I'm a fan of the golden elk on the front and the Outlaw logo on the back which breaks up the can. The only thing I don't really like is that they prominently feature calorie count above the elk. Not really needed. It's a light beer so you don't have to sell me on the fact that it's not 200 calories. It has 105 calories so it's not like it's a super low cal beer anyway so no real reason to have that featured. Otherwise, it's a nice looking can so I'm gonna go 4 Kelly Bundy's.

For more info on Outlaw beer, visit their website

https://outlawbeer.com/faq/

Hamm's

It's been a while. As you all know, I live in the land of fancy man craft beers so finding non-mainstream cheap beers is a bit of a chore. Luckily, a beer store here has decided to make Charlottesville great again and start selling quality beers like Iron City, Narragansett and today's brew, Hamm's.

Hamm's is brewed in Milwaukee, WI (which is Algonquin for "The Good Land")  so it automatically scores points as it's from the home of Laverne and Shirley. It's probably not as good as Shotz beer from the show but it's a pretty good brew.

Hamm's has a very nice golden brown color when poured out. Not much smell to it which is ok in my opinion. I've never been a big fan of overly pungent beers. Has a little bit of an odor when you drink it straight from the can but it's not super noticeable. It's very smooth when it's drank from a pint glass. No aftertaste at all which is huge. However, it is a little lacking in overall taste. I wouldn't exactly say it's bland but it doesn't jump up at you. I'd describe it as a good sipping beer. On taste, I'd give it 3.5 Al Bundys.

Aesthetically, Hamm's can has most of what I'm looking for. Great design, classy font and cool slogans.  "Born in the land of sky blue waters." Doesn't get much better than that. Their lion logo isn't super original though. Plus the gold and blue color scheme doesn't really work for me. It's not bad but I don't think it goes together very well. Still, it's a very nice can overall. I'll give it 3 Kelly Bundy's for can attractiveness. Just so you all remember, these are out of 5 so a 3 is above average but with a couple of flaws.

Name Tag Classic

Well it’s been a while since I’ve updated the cheap beer blog. This is mainly because Charlottesville isn’t exactly friend to beers that should be drunk while listening to Like A Rock by Bob Seger, which I’ve stated many times before. However, we recently acquired a Trader Joe’s in this town and that has brought an influx of interesting beers. It’s funny how getting a Trader Joe’s can change a town. I feel like when people mention Charlottesville, they mention Trader Joe’s like it’s some signal that we’re finally a city to be reckoned with. It reminds me of the scene in Tombstone where Sheriff Behan is telling Doc Holliday and Wyatt Earp how big Tombstone is getting and that “everyone dresses mighty tony for a mining camp” right before Turkey Creek Jack Johnson guns a guy down in the street. Very cosmopolitan indeed.

Now onto the beer. Today I’m trying Name Tag Classic Lager. It was about $3.99 or so for a 6 pack so I think it fits into the cheap beer category. It’s a nice golden pour, not much head to speak of really. It weighs in at 5% alcohol content so it’s definitely got that going for it. It doesn’t smell super great but it actually tastes kind of sweet and malty. Not bad all. No real aftertaste to speak of, which if you’ve read this blog before, is a good thing in my book.  Goes down fairly easy as well. I’m going to give Name Tag a solid 4 Bundy heads on taste.

Again, if you’ve read my earlier reviews, you know I value simplicity in a can design and Name Tag has that. I like the circular logo with the red background and white font for the name. I’m a big fan of all white cans and I like the red and gold stripes. I’ll have to detract points for the flower above the Name Tag, ummm, name in the logo. Kind of unnecessary in my opinion. I’m going to give this 3 Kelly Bundy’s on the can attractiveness scale.

All in all, you can’t really go wrong with this lager. It contains 5% alcohol which, in the US, you normally only get out of terrible tasting ice beers or fancy man beers. Goes down  smoothly , comes in a good looking can and won’t put a hurting on your wallet. Can’t really ask for a whole lot more out of a beer.

Port Republic Light

Charlottesville may have a cheap beer shortage but there are a few things it has in abundance; students who think it’s the height of coolness to go to football games in shirts and ties and sundresses, Dave Matthews Band fans, smelly hipsters, pseudo bluegrass/country music listening to poseurs who’ve never driven anything manlier than a Prius and would scream if they saw an animal more dangerous than a sugar glider and a shit ton of grocery stores. In particular we have a glut of Kroger’s. There are literally 3 Krogers within a 3 mile radius of each other. Why am I telling you this? Because Kroger has recently made a foray into the world of cheap beer; Port Republic Light.

Port Republic immediately scores points with me as it comes in pints or 30 packs ala my favorite beer, Strohs. None of that sissy 12 or 24-pack nonsense. It was about $13 for a 30 pack which is a fairly good price especially for Schwagtown, USA aka Charlottesville.

It weighs in at only 3.9% alcohol which is I guess isn’t bad for a light beer whereas Port Republic heavy is 4.5% which is fairly respectable for a cheap beer. PRL pours out pretty pale but not as bad as say, Beer 30 or Natty Light. It has a lot of head for a light beer and while the taste is kind of thin, it’s not bad. A little bit of a bitter aftertaste but nothing overtly offensive, in fact it’s kind of pleasant going down and doesn’t have the watery taste that a lot of non-fancy man beers have. Overall, I’d say it’s a good keg beer that I’d serve to a keg party full of people I didn’t hate or a beer I’d drink while tubing down the river.

I’m going to give Port Republic Light a solid 3 Bundy Faces for taste. It goes down smooth and doesn't make you want to gargle with bleach to get the taste of it out of your mouth after you drink it so it’s a little above average in that department but it’s not something I’d go out of my way to get.

As far as the can goes, I do like the design but it’s nothing special. The logo is pretty cool but the slogan “Sail Close to the Wind” doesn’t really do it for me for whatever reason. I could also do without the First Rate above the logo which would just look better if it stood alone.

I can’t go any higher than 2.5 Kelly Bundy’s for can attractiveness. The logo is nice and I like the color of the can but that’s about it.

Big Flats

Today’s entry comes to us from the exotic land of Wal-Greens. I’m a fan of any beer that comes from high class establishments like Wal-Greens and 7-11. Big Flats pours out pretty nice and brown actually which I was surprised at. Normally any beer that you buy for $2.99 is gonna be lighter than an albino who’s been sitting in a basement for a month but Big Flats has a pretty nice taste. It’s kind of malty and doesn’t have a bad aftertaste. As you all know, I hate the terrible aftertaste that most cheap beers have so Big Flats’ slightly malty and clean aftertaste is a pleasant surprise. It also goes down fairly smoothly.

When it comes to the can, I’m a huge fan of the Big Flats design. The water wheel is unique and being a beer brewer myself, I like the slogan “It’s the water that makes it” because that’s the truth. Good water means you’re gonna have good beer. Shit water means you’re gonna be drinking something that tastes like armpit sweat ala High Life or Corona.

To sum things up, I’m going to give Big Flats 3.5 Bundy Heads on taste. It goes down smooth and for $2.99, the price is right. It’s not super tasty or anything but I will say it’s enjoyable. For a lager it tastes pretty light. Basically if you’re one of those people who only drinks Salty Dog Flying Fish Summer Peanut Terrapin ale or whatever, you probably won’t like it but if you’re someone who enjoys a smooth beer for a cheap price, you’ll like Big Flats.

I’m gonna give Big Flats 4 Kelly Bundy’s for can attractiveness. I’m a huge fan of the water wheel design and like I said before, I like the slogan on the can. I'm also intrigued by the 1901 date on the can. I'm fairly certain that people weren't drinking Big Flats beer in 1901 but it's pretty awesome that they pretend that people were anyway. Here's to you Norman Rockefeller and Jack Johnson. That would be Jack Johnson the awesome black boxer from the early 1900's and not the whiny folk guitarist lame-o.

All in all, if it’s a late night and you have three bucks to spare in Wal-Greens, I’d say forgo that can of Pringles or Dinty More beef stew and pick up a 6 pack of Big Flats.

Beer 30 Light

Tonight I'm writing about Beer 30 Light at the request of my good friend Brett, seen below with his girlfriend Carlee dressed as cave people and pummeling me with clubs. I sort of felt like someone pummeled me in the stomach after drinking Beer 30 Light.

Now you all know I'm not a beer snob. Just the fact that I write a blog about cheap beer and once drank 24 beers that were likely more chemical run-off from a Chinese coal plant than actual beer should tell you that. However, I'm not a fan of Beer 30. It has a slight caramel flavor which tastes kind of like someone put a half melted Rollo in a Coors Light. Now, like Communism, this sounds like a good idea in theory but in this case, the Rollo was sitting in a fat guy's back pocket for two days and the Coors Light was sitting open for a week in a fridge that was on its warmest setting. That being said, the initial taste lasts for about a second and then...nothing. It basically tastes like water and there's a slightly metallic aftertaste. It costs about $3.99 a 6 pack (it used to be cheaper) and it's 4% alcohol so I guess it's got that going for it.

As far as the can goes, I'm pretty meh about it. I guess the name is supposed to be some sort of clever play on, "it's always 5pm somewhere" or "it's Beer O'Clock". Pretty cutesy...and lame. Kind of reminds me of this exchange from Fight Club:

Narrator: Tyler, you are by far the most interesting single-serving friend I've ever met... see I have this thing: everything on a plane is single-serving...
Tyler Durden: Oh I get it, it's very clever.
Narrator: Thank you.
Tyler Durden: How's that working out for you?
Narrator: What?
Tyler Durden: Being clever.
Narrator: Great.
Tyler Durden: Keep it up then... Right up.

There isn't anything inspiring about the rest of the can. Just a generic logo with some mountains in the background. This beer was brewed in Cincinnati, OH so I have no clue why there are mountains on the can. If they really wanted to capture the essence of Cincinnati they should've had the silhouette of a Bengals player in handcuffs or Marge Schott goose stepping and giving a Sieg Heil.

In summation, Beer 30 Light isn't an overly offensive tasting beer, but I can't even call it mediocre. I'm going with 1.5 Bundy Faces.








The can sucks so much it doesn't even rate a Kelly Bundy. This one gets a bathrobed Marcy D'Arcy and it's lucky to get that











Spend your $3.99 on a bunch of Big League Chew or see if your local Best Buy has The Garbage Pail Kids movie or one of the Police Academy sequels on special instead of buying Beer 30 Light. You'll be happier.

Southpaw Light

(click on the picture for higher resolution so you can clearly see the awesome kangaroos)

Southpaw Light

Drinking Southpaw Light conjures up memories of the summer between my freshman and sophomore year of college. I’d just started taking a liking to beer (yes, there was a time when Matt Johnson actually didn’t like beer all that much. Hard to fathom, I know) my freshman year of college and needed something cheap to drink when hanging out with my friends in the summer. I was working a miserable temp job at a bank where I had to wear a monkey suit and tie just to sit in a file room all day and rearrange some mortgage papers to occasionally look busy in between games of computer solitaire and listening to my new my Faith No More and Marcy Playground (shut up, you know you loved that Sex and Candy song too) cds all for the princely sum of $7.50 an hour. Southpaw Light fit that bill perfectly as it was only about $5 or so for a 12 pack and you could get a keg of it for about $30 or $35.

Southpaw Light pours out a nice golden brown. There’s a nice foamy head on it but it dissipates fairly quickly, not that it really matters. It goes down very easily with not much carbonation. The taste is pretty light but I wouldn’t call it watery. The surprising thing about the taste is that it’s 5% alcohol and most light beer is less than 4.5% or so.

I love Southpaw Light’s cans and bottles. Their mascots seem to be two kangaroos who enjoy playing and watching sports together. The bottles have them doing various activities while the logo on the cans all seem to have them sharing a couple of beers after boxing each other. I have to say as mascots go, that’s pretty badass. I can’t think of any other beer that uses a kangaroo as a mascot let alone boxing kangaroos. There’s really not much else special about the cans or bottles but I’m going to give Southpaw Light a solid 4 Kelly Bundys for can/bottle attractiveness based solely on their unique mascot.

All in all I highly recommend Southpaw Light. It’s fairly easy to find (although not here in Schwagville, USA aka Charlottesville, Va), goes down smooth and has a pretty high alcohol content for a light beer so you can get a nice buzz. I recently bought a 24 pack of Southpaw Light cans for about $12 in Charlotte, NC so the price is right. I’m going to give Southpaw Light 4 Bundy Faces. It was a welcome return to the cheap beers of the good old US of A after a month of drinking cheap beers that were likely laced with asbestos or Chinese coal factory run-off in Hong Kong.