Keystone: Why drop the premium, when it clearly is?

While my memory is slipping, I swear to Christ that Keystone used to be Keystone Premium. And if they did in fact pull a name switch, it wasn't the result of a truth in advertising lawsuit, because Keystone is in fact premium. It is also awesome.

I am a huge fan of Keystone Light. Probably my third favorite mainstream beer, mainstream beer being defined as a beer you can reasonably expect to find nationwide, after Coors Light and Busch Light. I've always considered Keystone Light to be a more flavorful Natural Light, plus it has pictures of mountains on its can, which is always a plus. So I decided to the roll the dice with the regular Keystone.

It was the 4th of July 2009, and it was hot as fuck, so the first thing I remember is the Keystone being iced-cold and really hitting the spot. I was also drinking it with Blake Bashore, a man worthy of 10 Al Bundy's, which undoubtedly made the beer taste better than it was. The best way to describe it would be a better tasting Budweiser, which is odd since Keystone is made by Coors. But it tastes closer to Bud than the Banquet Beer, which is unfortunate.

For those of you eager to run out and buy some Keystone, this particular 12 pack was bought in San Diego, CA on the 4th of July 2009. I think it was a drug store, but it might have been a grocery store. I have no idea, since I blacked out with excitement when I saw the red cans. The best part of this beer is hands down its can.

First thing you'll notice about the can is that it's red, the color of awesome things like the Skins. Also, since it's a Coors product, the cans contain the "blue mountains of cold" to indicate when your beer is cold. To quote Matt Johnson, "You know what I use to tell if my beer is cold? My hand." So while the blue mountains are useless, they are doubly useless if they are on a blue can, such as the blue cans of Keystone Light. The redness of the Keystone 1.0 can makes the blue mountains pop out at you, like you're caught in a rock slide. And the only thing that can save you is more Keystone.

To properly rate this beer, I need to consider two additional attributes in addition to taste: can attractiveness and beer rarity. In the spirit of this blog I will keep both attributes Married With Children themed: can attractiveness will be rated on the Kelly Bundy scale and beer rarity will be rated on the Steve Rhoades scale.

Can attractiveness. Maybe it was due to the fact that I was drinking a red, white and blue can on the 4th of July, or maybe it's just an awesome looking can, but I love the Keystone can. While blue and silver dominate, there is a lack of bright red, Eastern Washington turf cans. And that's truly sad. I give the Keystone can four and a half Kelly Bundy's for helping me see the fucking blue mountains, and for general patriotism.

Beer rarity. I think I've seen this beer like three times in my life. And much like Steve Rhoades, when I do see one I'm very excited. As great as Jefferson was, Steve was better. His wife kind of looked like a chick, he had a job, he thought he was better than everyone else, he was just in general awesome. And then he was gone, to the US Parks Department if I remember correctly. I rate Keystone four and a half Steve Rhoades. It's rare, but it's not quite a myth since I've actually had some. I'll reserve five Steve Rhoades for beer that has only ever been seen as a grainy cell phone picture, and never consumed.

Final rating. While the can is awesome, and the beer is hard to find, it's still not blow you off your feet good, like Lone Star or Busch Light. I'll give Keystone four Al Bundy's, and raise it to four and a half if they return the name to Keystone Premium. Cause it is.