Beer sales expected to drop, Vortex bottle still stupid

Finally, a reason for the Vortex bottle from Miller. With beer sales expected to drop, beer makers are going to do anything to grab our attention this summer, even if it means make beer in bottles that look like this

Who are the ad wizards that decided people would want to drink beer out of a bottle that looks like the drill-mobile from Total Recall? But is it really any worse than their current campaign, the one where the female bartender tells the guy to come back and order a Miller Lite when he's a real man? Who the fuck do they think they are? It's Miller Lite you stupid bitch, it tastes like asshole. The guy clearly doesn't want a fancy man beer, he's in a bar that serves Miller Lite. And sassy bartender, take a look in the mirror. You look like a supermodel, and you're apparently funny as hell, but yet you work in a bar whose best beer is Miller Lite. So, you're most likely retarded. But yeah, feel free to hurl insults at the poor bastard who has to patronize a bar whose top shelf beer is Miller Lite which is served to you by a rude dumbass.

Full Article

Mickey's

I've only had Mickey's a few times but it was my first foray into the world of malt liquor when I was 18 or so. The Ugly Kid Joe song, "Panhandling Prince" starts off with the lyrics, "Sittin on a rusty park bench baby, not much else to do/Smoke cigarettes and drink my Mickey's fine malt liquor brew". Mickey's isn't overly terrible or anything but it's definitely something you'd probably find a homeless guy drinking out of a paper bag.

Mickey's is pretty watery. I'd say the best word to describe the taste of it is "thin". Just doesn't taste like much of anything. It clocks in at 5.6% alcohol so it'll likely get you where you need to go. However b/c it has about as much taste as the average NBA player when it comes to picking tattoos, it'll be kind of a boring trip.

Mickey's comes in a grenade style bottle which is kind of cool and they have a good looking mascot and logo. Each beer has some sort of riddle under the cap which will give you a few minutes of entertainment. However, due to its blandness, I can't give it more than two Bundy Faces. When the most memorable thing about your beer is the fact that it's mentioned in an Ugly Kid Joe song, well, your beer just ain't memorable.

Iron City

My good friend Aaron Klueber introduced me to the wonderful world of Pennsylvania beers during my sophomore year of college at The U. We didn't get to drink IC very much back then as we were bigger Strohs drinkers and it was pretty hard to find IC in South Florida but we relished every opportunity we got to drink it. We specifically made trips to Primanti Brothers sub shop in Ft. Lauderdale just so we could enjoy some good old fashion working man's beer. Iron City is a beer you'd drink after a hard day of getting your balls busted by your foreman, Old Man Gratkowski down at the steel mill.

IC pours out a nice golden brown. It has a nice malt flavor going down and a pretty pleasant after taste. IC is definitely a very drinkable lager and I'd rather drink an IC over a Budweiser, Coors or any other comparable beer. At 4.5%, it's not going to knock you on your ass or anything but it'll get you a nice, pleasant buzz while you watch Ben Rapelisberger throw a touchdown to Hines Ward or sitting through another season of terrible Pirates baseball. It's a tad dry but other than that, the only bad thing I have to say about the taste of IC is that it's not as flavorful as a firebrewed Strohs. IC also makes an awesome light beer as well which unfortunately, is hard as balls to find. IC Light is sold in sweet aluminum bottles as well.

I'm going to give Iron City a solid 4.5 Bundy Faces. I will have to caveat including IC in my cheap beer blog by saying that IC is not cheap in Charlottesville. It's $7.29 for a 6 pack and there's a place that sometimes sells IC Light 30 packs for $20. However, that's not the norm as in most places, IC is much cheaper than that and you'll get a great tasting beer at an affordable price. Think of a beer that tastes twice as good as a Budweiser that costs about $2 or $3 less. I love the Iron City logo as well. For the most part I like simple designs and understated color schemes on my beer cans/bottles. The red, black and white colors are simple but catch your eye right off the bat. I do think the bottles could use some sort of logo but I can appreciate the fact that it's simple and just says Iron City Beer and Premium Lager on it. Tells you exactly what you're getting.

As I stated before, it's a bit dry and that's the only thing holding IC back from the fabled 5 Bundy Face rating but otherwise, IC is highly recommended.

Keystone: Why drop the premium, when it clearly is?

While my memory is slipping, I swear to Christ that Keystone used to be Keystone Premium. And if they did in fact pull a name switch, it wasn't the result of a truth in advertising lawsuit, because Keystone is in fact premium. It is also awesome.

I am a huge fan of Keystone Light. Probably my third favorite mainstream beer, mainstream beer being defined as a beer you can reasonably expect to find nationwide, after Coors Light and Busch Light. I've always considered Keystone Light to be a more flavorful Natural Light, plus it has pictures of mountains on its can, which is always a plus. So I decided to the roll the dice with the regular Keystone.

It was the 4th of July 2009, and it was hot as fuck, so the first thing I remember is the Keystone being iced-cold and really hitting the spot. I was also drinking it with Blake Bashore, a man worthy of 10 Al Bundy's, which undoubtedly made the beer taste better than it was. The best way to describe it would be a better tasting Budweiser, which is odd since Keystone is made by Coors. But it tastes closer to Bud than the Banquet Beer, which is unfortunate.

For those of you eager to run out and buy some Keystone, this particular 12 pack was bought in San Diego, CA on the 4th of July 2009. I think it was a drug store, but it might have been a grocery store. I have no idea, since I blacked out with excitement when I saw the red cans. The best part of this beer is hands down its can.

First thing you'll notice about the can is that it's red, the color of awesome things like the Skins. Also, since it's a Coors product, the cans contain the "blue mountains of cold" to indicate when your beer is cold. To quote Matt Johnson, "You know what I use to tell if my beer is cold? My hand." So while the blue mountains are useless, they are doubly useless if they are on a blue can, such as the blue cans of Keystone Light. The redness of the Keystone 1.0 can makes the blue mountains pop out at you, like you're caught in a rock slide. And the only thing that can save you is more Keystone.

To properly rate this beer, I need to consider two additional attributes in addition to taste: can attractiveness and beer rarity. In the spirit of this blog I will keep both attributes Married With Children themed: can attractiveness will be rated on the Kelly Bundy scale and beer rarity will be rated on the Steve Rhoades scale.

Can attractiveness. Maybe it was due to the fact that I was drinking a red, white and blue can on the 4th of July, or maybe it's just an awesome looking can, but I love the Keystone can. While blue and silver dominate, there is a lack of bright red, Eastern Washington turf cans. And that's truly sad. I give the Keystone can four and a half Kelly Bundy's for helping me see the fucking blue mountains, and for general patriotism.

Beer rarity. I think I've seen this beer like three times in my life. And much like Steve Rhoades, when I do see one I'm very excited. As great as Jefferson was, Steve was better. His wife kind of looked like a chick, he had a job, he thought he was better than everyone else, he was just in general awesome. And then he was gone, to the US Parks Department if I remember correctly. I rate Keystone four and a half Steve Rhoades. It's rare, but it's not quite a myth since I've actually had some. I'll reserve five Steve Rhoades for beer that has only ever been seen as a grainy cell phone picture, and never consumed.

Final rating. While the can is awesome, and the beer is hard to find, it's still not blow you off your feet good, like Lone Star or Busch Light. I'll give Keystone four Al Bundy's, and raise it to four and a half if they return the name to Keystone Premium. Cause it is.

Strohs ads

Anyone who knows me knows that I'm a sucker for old beer ads. Here are two of the best from my favorite brand, Strohs.

If it's good enough for Fidel Castro, it's good enough for a capitalistic pig like me by gum

Now you're talking Strohs!

Genny Light

At a cool $2.99 a 6 pack, Genny Light is right in every cheap beer drinker's wheel house. I was a tad skeptical when I got it because generally if you're buying a light beer that's that cheap it's most likely going to taste like bong water that has rubbing alcohol in it but I was pleasantly surprised by Genny Light. First off, while the can design is quite understated, I do like their slogan, "Light Beer Never Tasted So Real". It looks like a beer that Archie Bunker would drink after a hard day of lobbing anti-Semitic insults at his son-in-law Meathead.

Unfortunately, it only clocks in at 3.6% alcohol so you'll likely have to drink a lot to get a buzz, however, it seems like a good beer to drink if you're just hanging out on your porch in the summer and listening to Bob Seger or Spacehog.

Now to the taste; it goes down pretty easily and there's no discernible after taste which is a good thing. I'd imagine it's a great beer to drink if you're just wanting to keep a steady buzz going over a long period of time and not get trashed. I would compare it to Natty Light but not as flavorful. Still, seeing as how Natural Light normally runs about $4 or $5 a 6 pack, I'd rather drink a Genny Light. So I'm going to give Genny Light 4 Bundy Faces for its great non-grossness to price ratio, a catchy slogan and an understated yet classic can design.

Schaefer beer ad

Unfortunately, I haven't had a Schaefer in quite a while but I do love this advertisement. Easily one of the top 5 cheap beer commercials and jingles of all-time:

Schaefer is the one beer to have when you're having more than one